Having quizzed Rachael Hip-Flores everyone’s eyes around the table turned to the one person who had not sat in the ABM Mastermind chair, Susan Miller. One half of ABM’s writing team, and knowing of Tina Cesa Ward’s position at the top of the leader board the pressure was on, added to by the demands of Tina and Rachael that she face the questions she didn’t really have much choice.

Again, I have to say that she was receiving significant help (despite threats of violence) from Rachael and Tina, although I am really not sure how much it helped. It did however make the process very enjoyable, certainly for Rachael, Tina, and I, if not Susan. So, having ordered more coffee and sitting rather uncomfortably in her chair, Susan agreed to let me see just how well she knew her ABM.

In the interest of showing all ABMers and ABM fans alike that when faced with the ABM Mastermind questions the results can never be predicted what transpired on that rainy October afternoon is presented here to you in its entirety. I think many of you will find the results surprising, as did I, but I also think it shows how wonderful (and competitive) the ABM peeps are.

1.       What brand of bag does Vivian use?

Tina: *laughs*

Susan: What?!?!

Tina: *laughs harder*

Susan: What the hell?!?!

Gem: (To Tina) You and I are probably the only ones who know the answer.

Susan: Yeah coz it’s your bag! That’s not a good question for me.

Rachael: That is a very good question.

Gem: That’s why you’re getting asked it.

Tina: You don’t get specific Susan questions.

Susan: I’m going to come back to it because I can see it, I just can’t think of the name.

Tina: *laughs*

Susan: The little red tag on it.

Rachael: Yes it does.

Susan: Right? And I know it because I know that company but I can’t think of it right now. I just want to say something, I’m older. I have memory lapses. They come to me later, so I’ll have to call you on some of these later.

Rachael: You wrote the episode is all I’m saying.

Tina: Yeah.

Susan: Go ahead.

X Incorrect. Manhattan Portage.

2.       What is the name of the play that Dan Via starred and wrote in?

Susan: What do you mean that he starred and wrote in? In his own life? That’s not fair, but it’s Daddy.

Rachael: I got a trivia question about your own life on the web-a-thon so I think that is a perfectly valid question.

Susan: Hmm okay.

Tina: You knew it.

Susan: I knew it.

√ Correct. Daddy.

3.       What is the Oscar Wilde quote Aster says at the end of her video essay on censorship?

Susan: Wow.

Gem: I don’t know which one of you wrote this.

Rachael: That is an awesome question.

Tina: Uh-oh.

Gem: It’s a really good quote.

Susan: Yes, I know.

Rachael: *laughs*

Susan: This is so unfair. Jesus. (To Tina) Do you know it? Can it come to your mind? You are asking me the hardest questions I have ever heard in my life.

Tina & Rachael: *laughs*

Susan: Pass on that one. Or, I’ll come back to it.

X Incorrect. ‘An idea that is not dangerous is not worthy of being an idea at all.’

4.       What was the first place Vivian went to in order to look for Aster in the Season One finale?

The first place? She went to the school I believe. She went to Columbia Prep.

√ Correct. Columbia Preparatory School.

5.       What graphic novel does Vivian says her “friend” Aster reads?

Susan: Um…

Rachael: *laughs*

Susan: It’s something I didn’t know but knew about so…um…oh sh*t man. “Oh you read…” And it’s a gay one. Is it something and something?

Gem: Uh huh.

Rachael: Uh huh.

Gem: (To Rachael) Do you remember?

Rachael: I do.

Susan: I’m failing this. I want a re-test. This isn’t good. Um…seriously. I can never think of things right at the moment. I’ll come back to it. I’ll come back to every question! Susan Miller fails. My people will not be happy.

X Incorrect. Love and Rockets.

6.       What did the text from Aster say in episode three of season one when Aster comes to Vivian’s rescue?

Susan: Episode three of season one when Vivian can’t get on the train…what is the text? “Meet me at…”

Gem: Yeah, what does Aster text Vivian?

Susan: Well she’s coming in the car, she’s in the car. She says…uh…I don’t know. Does she say, “Look up I’m here?” Or, “Meet me at the car?” Or later on she says, “You’re my girlfriend.” Or…

Tina: Meet me at the car?

Susan: Yeah I know. She says…

Tina: Kill us if we start writing that. *laughs*

Susan: She says…“Look up! Look over here! Look up.” Wait a minute, “Put down your phone.” No. Wait. Is it anywhere near those kind of things? She calls her and says, “I’m here on the phone. Look up.” Um… *long pause* “Get the f*ck over here now.” I hate you for this.

Rachael: *laughs*

Susan: Go ahead. Do you know how long it’s been and how many things written since then? How can I remember that?

Gem: I had to re-watch all of these.

Rachael: That’s true, you have to go backwards quite a bit more.

Susan: Okay go ahead.

X Incorrect. ‘Hey good looking need a ride?’

7.       What book is Sophie reading in the cafe in season two episode 4?

The Time Traveller’s Wife.

√ Correct. The Time Traveller’s Wife.

8.       Name three songs/artists on Vivian’s playlist.

Rachael: Hang on. Let me go through my i-pod.

Susan: Oh my god.

Gem: No?

Susan: No these are too hard.

Rachael: Actually I should make a Vivian’s playlist.

Susan: I haven’t watched that in…let’s see. What’s on her playlist? It is Vivian’s playlist?

Gem: Yes Vivian’s, and she has the most songs.

Susan: She goes, wait, she does. Let me think, Tegan and Sara, because it’s not…

Tina: Tegan and Sara’s on there.

Rachael: Oh yeah, okay.

Susan: Or is that on Aster’s playlist, Tegan and Sara? Okay forget it.

Tina: It’s on, it’s on Vivian’s playlist. Yeah, Soil Soil.

Rachael: Soil Soil.

Tina: Right?

Rachael: Yeah.

Susan: Another woman artist. Seriously. Um. I don’t know. Look, even she’s worried. I’m gonna do worse than Meredith.

Tina: Perhaps.

Rachael: Maybe.

Susan: I am.

Rachael: Yeah.

Susan: I demand a re-test.

Rachael: You can do a make-up test later.

Susan: I am gonna do a make-up test. I’m failing.

Tina: You need some extra credit work.

Susan: Yeah.

Rachael: *laughs*

Tina: You better come up with some extra credit work for her.

Susan: I think it’s good publicity, “Susan Miller Fails!”

Rachael: Season Three you have to do for extra credit.

Gem: Yeah, I want in Season Three…

Rachael: Is that it yet?

Gem: No there’s two more.

√ Correct. Half a point. Soil Soil (Tegan and Sarah), Winter – Tori Amos, Janis Joplin, All of My Friends Have Been Replaced by Cities – Chris Bathgates, Falling – Ani DiFranco, Baba O’Reilly (Teenage Wasteland) – The Who.

9.       What are the two poster choices Aunt Jodie had to put up in Vivian’s room when she first moved in?

Susan: I should know this! One was, I think it might have been Rolling Stones. Was it? Rolling Stones?

Gem: Kinda.

Susan: It was kinda the Rolling Stones?

Tina: Oh yeah! Kinda.

Rachael: Yeah.

Susan: It was Mick Jagger.

Tina: There you go.

Susan: And, Mick Jagger and…I’ll just name every, was it another music group? No! No it was Einstein! I really would have got that, Einstein! That was it?

Gem: Maybe.

Susan: Maybe because you don’t want to humiliate me further.

√ Correct. Einstein and Mick Jagger.

10.    What kind of dancer does Archibald tell Elisabeth he is when she tries to get him to dance at Jonathan’s party?

Susan: You’re asking every line that I, I mean I don’t –

Gem: I don’t know which ones you wrote.

Susan: It doesn’t matter, because I don’t remember lines that I write. That’s the beauty of it. I mean unless they’re really really, it’s something. Okay I’m not –

Tina: It’s related to a Tina Turner song. If I remember right.

Susan: Oh see she’s giving me hints. She feels so bad for me.

Tina: I do. You’re failing so miserably.

Susan: I…I…I…I’m…I’ve never been this…I can’t play this game. Hold on. Tiny dancer?

Tina: That was somebody else. Tina Turner.

Susan: He said, “I’m…” Some kind of a, “I am…”

Rachael: (Performs some kind of charade)

Tina: What the hell was that?

Gem: (To Rachael) Stop cheating. *long pause* No?

Susan: It’s really good that I have failed this miserably. Alright now I need the answers because I’m really in pain.

X Incorrect. A private dancer.

The Answer Discussion

Gem: Let’s go back to your first one.

Susan: Let’s go back to the little bag? The little bag with the little tag. The little red tag on it. If we can walk to the corner I’ll point out one of those bags.

Gem: This is one of the first things when I watched ABM I was like, “She uses my bag!”

Tina: Which is actually my bag.

Rachael: Yeah, which is actually Tina’s bag.

Tina: Which actually is here but –

Susan: Oh! See it does have that red thing on it. I know the bag.

Rachael: What a great island we’re on.

Gem: (To Rachael) I’m gonna kick you really hard soon.

Susan: Manhattan?

Rachael: My goodness that such –

Gem: (To Rachael) I’m gonna push you off.

Susan: I can’t…if I don’t know it I don’t know it. I’ll only know it in my sleep tonight.

Tina: You got the Manhattan.

Gem: Yeah you’ll wake up and be like –

Susan: That’s how it works. Let me see it because I don’t remember the name. (Tina shows her the bag) Yeah Manhattan Portage. I never would have gotten that. I’ve never checked the name. I just know the label. Alright. Never would have gotten it.

Gem: The Oscar Wilde quote?

Susan: Yeah.

Gem: No?

Susan: I mean I found the quote, I don’t know the quote.

Rachael: It’s a good quote.

Gem: It is a good quote.

Susan: It’s a long one too. It’s not something…well –

Gem: It’s a line.

Susan: Go ahead.

Gem: “An idea that is not dangerous, is not worthy of being an idea at all.”

Susan: Okay.

Gem: The graphic novel that Aster reads.

Susan: Okay.

Tina: Or comic book.

Susan: Yeah it’s a comic book. But again my first intro to that was through you so I don’t know. I can’t remember it honestly. But I do know it’s two words, it’s something and something, someone and someone. Stars and Stripes.

Rachael: What would happen if NASA astronauts really liked each other?

*Collective laughter*

Gem: (To Rachael) You’re ridiculous.

Susan: Scientist and Scientist.

Tina: Did you say, “And NASA?”

Rachael: If NASA –

Susan: She said, “If NASA scientists fell in love.”

Rachael: If NASA scientists really liked each other a lot.

Susan: It’s something with stars. Or something and…rockets…Oh! Oh! Something and rockets!

Rachael: *claps*

Susan: Yeah yeah yeah. But what?

Gem: Cheating. Right you lot are doing the other one by yourself.

Susan: No that’s not fair, what is it?

Gem: Love and Rockets.

Susan: Love and Rockets! I’ve never even seen that comic book. Does it still exist?

Tina: No.

Gem: It’s finished I think.

Susan: What else didn’t I know?

Gem: The text message from Aster.

Susan: Okay. She’s sitting on the steps. She gets the text.

Rachael: I can’t help you out on this one. That’s exactly what I did though.

Susan: Right! I mean I can act out the entire scene for you I just can’t tell you what the text is. What is it?

Gem: “Hey good looking need a ride?”

Susan: Look up! I mean, “Hey good looking need a ride?” No I wouldn’t have gotten it. How many did I get right? Three? Seriously. How many did I get right?

Tina: She doesn’t want to say.

Susan: I got three right!

Gem: Yeah you got at least three.

Susan: Four? Give me this!

Gem: Four and a half. So you’re the same as Meredith.

Susan: Four and a half she gave me. I’m not lower than Meredith?

Gem: No the same.

Susan: I almost wish I were. Because that would, you know, give me something.

Gem: Half-points for Vivian’s playlist.

Tina: How many songs were on Vivian’s playlist? I wanna name them.

Gem: Three.

Tina: There’s three of them?

Gem: There were a lot more.

Tina: But you just wanted us to name three?

Gem: Songs or artists.

Tina: Soil Soil.

Rachael: Soil Soil.

Susan: I thought you said artists.

Tina: Chris Bathgates. I remember that because it was the longest title ever.

Rachael: It was but it’s a really good song.

Tina: It’s the Chris Bathgates.

Rachael: I forgot that one.

Tina: It is Teenage Wasteland which is –

Rachael: Teenage Wasteland. Baba O’Reilly.

Tina: No no you say, “Baba O’Reilly” then, “Teenage Wasteland to some of you.”

Rachael: Um, Janis Joplin coz she’s badass.

Tina: Then there’s Ani DiFranco.

Gem: Yes.

Susan: That’s who I knew, when I said another woman.

Rachael: Falling.

Susan: That’s the one that made me think of Aster.

Tina: Tori Amos, Winter.

Rachael: Good song.

Susan: You should know you make up these lists! You ended up making these lists.

Tina: And I edited it.

Susan: Excuse me, let me just say this – she edits them too.

Tina: No I should do better than anybody.

Susan: She directs. She edits.

Rachael: You do edit them.

Susan: Oh this is terrible.

Gem: At the moment, (to Tina) you’re still top of the leader board. (To Rachael) Close, but not quite.

Rachael: Alright. Before you leave we’re gonna have to give you –

Gem: The Ultimate one? The Ultimate one is hard.

Tina: Oooh I want to do the Ultimate one!

Susan: Please do not, don’t do that now coz I need to study. Please do not –

Tina: You don’t have to be part of the Ultimate.

Susan: I want to be! You please have to, don’t go easy on me when you publicise this. I want the truth to be told.

Tina: *laughs hard*

Rachael: Very brave of you.

Tina: That you got four and a half.

Susan: With some help!

Gem: With prompts.

Rachael: With charades.

Susan: Love and Rockets!

Surprising? Perhaps. However, I know with Susan that it sometimes takes her a while to build up to her fighting best so I would not count her out just yet. Tina still reigns supreme atop the leader board, with only Rachael coming close. There will be many more challengers to the throne, so how safe her position is has yet to be seen.

The ABM Fans scores are as follows:

Shiran Farbman –  6/10

1. This a trick question right? I always see her use a backpack so… Jansport? X

2. Aww I totally forgot. X

3. X

4. A museum… I don’t know the name of the museum but it was definitely a museum. X

5. Love and Rockets √ Correct.

6. “Friday you’re all mine!” X

7. The Time Traveller’s Wife √ Correct.

8. Ani DiFranco… now I wish I would have watched that interlude more √ Correct. Half a point.

9. Mick Jagger and Einstein √ Correct.

10. He says that he’s “more of a private dancer.” √ Correct.

Ms. Mischief – 4.5/10

1. No idea X

2. – sound of crickets chirping – No clue. X

3. Something about an idea that’s not daring isn’t an idea at all. X But pretty darn close!

4. Aster’s high school…Columbia Preparatory School √ Correct.

5. Love and Rockets √ Correct.

6. Hey good lookin want a ride. √ Correct.

7. Derp. No idea. Tale of Two Cities? X

8. Ani Difranco – Falling, Tegan and Sara, Tori Amos. √ Correct.

9. Mick Jagger and Janis Joplin. √ Correct. Half a point.

10. Oh no, I can see the scene. Elisabeth tells him that it’s he’s coming out..so that makes him a closeted dancer? X

Ashley Brit – 7/10

1. …yeah, no idea X

2. gah!  Yeah, I don’t remember X

3. An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all. √ Correct.

4. …her (Aster’s) school? √ Correct.

5. Love and Rockets √ Correct.

6. Hey good lookin, need a ride? √ Correct.

7. No idea X

8. Janis Joplin, Chris Bathgate’s “All of My Friends Have Been Replaced by Cities,” The Who’s “Baba O’Reilly.” √ Correct.

9. Einstein and…Mick Jagger? √ Correct.

10. He’s more of a…private dancer. √ Correct.

Skywalker – 8/10

1. Like a messenger bag I think . I remembered that have a red piece on the bag. X

2. I think the name of the play is “Daddy.” √ Correct.

3. “An idea that it´s not dangerous, then don´t deserved to called it an idea.” √ Correct.

4. Oh dude, I doubt between two options jeje, the museum or the high school of Aster, I will say, the high school of Aster √ Correct.

5. Love and rockets? √ Correct.

6. You mean the sms right? ok, I think that says something like, ‘Hey beautiful, you need a ride?’ √ Correct. Half a point.

7. Oh that´s appear on the web-a-thon video :), it´s “The Time Traveller’s Wife.” √ Correct.

8. Ok, let me think jeje, The Who “Bobba O’Reilly,” Tori Amos “Winter,” Janis Joplin. √ Correct.

9. Oh dude jeje,Mick Jagger I’m sure :), and the other poster i think was about Science but I’m not sure. √ Correct. Half a point.

10. I remembered because it’s a song of Tina Turner too, “Private Dancer.” √ Correct.

Julie Long – 4.5/10

1. Oh my goodness, I’m so not a fashion person. I have no idea! X

2. Umm…I’m going to have to say Daddy. √ Correct.

3. I do not know that one. X

4. Bookstore X

5. Love and Rockets √ Correct.

6. Oh!!! Ummm gimme a sec. Hey good lookin need a ride. √ Correct.

7. Hmm I’m going to have to go with…I don’t know. X

8. Sarah Mclachlan,  Ani DeFranco, Janis Joplin. √ Correct. Half a point.

9. Mick Jagger/Einstein √ Correct.

10. A bad dancer of some kind X

More surprises! Somehow we managed to get the highest ABM Fans scores (still not better than Tina) but we managed to get one of the lowest scores from one of the ABMers. Goes to show that certain things – including some excellent Oscar Wilde quotations, stick in the head of the fans. The ABM Fans have finally managed to beat the ABMer we were challenging. Let’s hope we can keep this trend going.

In the interest of propriety the way ABM Mastermind will be administered in the future will be done differently. More details will be made available before the next challenge is set. In the meantime, check out the announcement regarding ‘The Ultimate ABM Mastermind Challenge!’ Yes, it is as scary as it sounds.